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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28700808">How to piss John Winchester off?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/StillWinchester/pseuds/StillWinchester'>StillWinchester</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abusive John Winchester, Bad Parent John Winchester, Biphobia, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Fluff and Crack, Heaven, Homophobia, Homophobic John Winchester, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Sassy Castiel (Supernatural)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:48:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,014</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28700808</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/StillWinchester/pseuds/StillWinchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>John Winchester is homophobic as hell, but he is in heaven. Castiel doesn't like his almost-father-in-law, so he makes everything to piss him off.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>133</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How to piss John Winchester off?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Finale was so stupid, I'm still in denial! I hope this fic is funny, but I tried to write it as much canonically as I can, so serious moments are here too. Enjoy!</p><p>You can find russian translation of this fic <a href="https://ficbook.net/readfic/10299919">here</a> (translated by 'i don't know why')!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>How to piss John Winchester off?</strong>
</p><p>Dean has a silly smile on his face, and he's looking at Cas through half-closed eyes. The angel, because he's a powerful angel again, is lying on him on the couch with his stupid, sexy trench coat, and he's kissing Dean's neck which is really pleasant.</p><p>“Ok, we should to go,” whispers Dean, giving a peck on Cas' cheek, but he doesn't move at all. Here is so comfy and warm... It's the Heaven.</p><p>“We have to?” moans Cas, looking into the green eyes with his puppy look.</p><p>“It's tradition!” says Dean in a menacing tone. Every Sunday they're having family barbecue. They're meeting together in his parents' house.</p><p>“I know, but your father will be there...” Castiel isn't a big fan of John Winchester. Earlier, he knew him only from stories, and he didn't have a clear opinion about him. Everything changed when they met personally. Cas thinks John is a piece of shit, or in the words of his older brother he is a great big bag of dicks. He never said it to Dean, of course because he knew that he loves his father anyway. He doesn't want to destroy their relationship, but he can't pretend it's okay. Sometimes, he thinks that Dean has a sort of Stockholm syndrome.</p><p>“I know you don't like him, Cas, but just do it for me, okay? If he does or says something inappropriate, we'll leave, I promise.”</p><p>“Okay...” gasps Cas. “But kiss me one more time.”</p><p>Dean grins and whispers: “With pleasure.”</p><p>They're kissing again, but Cas doesn't pull away at once. First, he wants to mark Dean's neck as his territory, so he sucks his skin aggressively.</p><p>“Whoa, easy tiger! Do you wanna give me a hickey?” asks Dean.</p><p>“Maybe...”</p><p>“You're a weird, dorky, little guy...” chuckles Dean, looking at his adorable huggy bear.</p><p>“I'm not a little. My true size is the size of Chrysler Building, did you forget?’ says Cas seriously.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I remember, but I'm afraid I couldn't handle this...” </p><p>Cas gasps and rolls his eyeballs: “And who is a dorky one? Sexual allusions are so primitive.”</p><p>“Oh, you know you love me,” mutters Dean and runs his fingers through Cas' hair.</p><p>“Yes, I know.”</p><p>*</p><p>“Hello Mary. Hello Sam,” Cas greets when the door opens. He doesn't even look at John, just immediately goes to living room where are the rest of their friends: Eileen, Charlie, Jody, Donna, Bobby, Rufus…</p><p>Dean hugs with his parents and brother, and then John notices a hickey on his neck: “What is that, son?”</p><p>Dean blushes and chuckles nervously, scratching the back of his neck: “Huh, it’s no big deal.”</p><p>“Okay, we should join the rest…” says Sam quickly, ending this pointless conversation. They’re sitting at the table. Dean takes the chair near to Cas, and John sits against them. They’re eating and talking. Charlie tells a few jokes, lightning the mood of the room. Dean is smiling a lot, and he thinks that this time it’s not going to end with a fight. He doesn’t know how wrong he is.</p><p>The most of them finish their dinner, but Castiel’s plate is still clean. He doesn’t have to eat, actually nobody has to do this in heaven, so they’re eating only for fun. Cas asked Jack once if he could get back him human’s taste to PB&amp;J and of course his son fulfilled this request, so now he sometimes eats, but he doesn’t see a jar of peanut butter, and he skips up this pleasure today. </p><p>“You don't eat again, Castiel... You don't like our cuisine?” asks John reproachfully. Cas stares at him with frowning eyebrows.</p><p>“I'm an angel...” he says with clenched teeth.</p><p>“Yeah, sure. I forgot about that...” </p><p><em>Bullshit!</em> He didn't forget, he's just such an asshole. Cas clenches his fist, but doesn't say anything. Of course, only for five seconds... </p><p>“And actually, I just wait for my dessert in my home!” he says a little too loud, looking in John’s eyes with a bitch face and grabbing Dean's arm gently.</p><p>Everybody looks at him, and Dean chokes on his beer. He makes red in one moment, gasping: “Jeez, Cas…”</p><p>Sam clears his throat, trying to save the situation: “Oh, Jody, did you talk with Claire recently?”</p><p>“I… yeah, she is with Kaia and…”</p><p><em>Fuck!</em> It isn’t helpful at all. John looks anger, and Cas wants to piss him off more, so he grabs Dean’s shirt and pulls him close, giving him a very passionate kiss with a tongue.</p><p>“Deal with it, assbutt,” he yells, stands and goes away from the house. He isn’t waiting for Dean, just comes back to their home. He thinks he is more pissed than John, actually.</p><p>Mary is the first which spokes: “John, you should to apologize him.”</p><p>Mary accepted Castiel at once when he found out that he and her son love each other. She was happy for them. She had suspected this earlier, to be honest since she met Cas on Earth and saw how he reacted on Dean in the bunker. </p><p>“What? I didn’t say anything wrong!” he yells.</p><p>“Maybe this time, but you’re looking at him with this… this hatred…” she explains. Meanwhile, guests run away, leaving Winchester’s family alone.</p><p>“Mary, that’s not my fault. It just… This friggin angel…” he starts, and Dean knows he must interfere with discussion.</p><p>“Hey, you’re talking about Cas!” He frowns his eyebrows with anger.</p><p>“Oh, Dean, come on! I don’t understand what you see in <em>it</em>! This is not a way I raised you!” He tries to make him feel guilty.</p><p>“Yeah, you didn’t raise me at all!” he yells and every bad memory with John comes back to him. “Sorry, mom, but I have to go. Bye, Sammy!”</p><p>He doesn’t look at John. Now, he wants to check on Cas who is his real heaven, not an abusive father.</p><p>“He has right, dad,” says Sam. “You can’t control his life anymore.”</p><p>*</p><p>“Cas?” Dean is looking for him, but he’s not in the living room or bedroom. He finds him out in the kitchen. Is Cas baking? He has a flour, sugar and two bowls.</p><p>In heaven, they don’t have to cook or bake because they can just think about something, and it appears.</p><p>“Hello, Dean,” he whispers, but he doesn’t turn around, continuing his work.</p><p>“What are you doing, <em>honey bee</em>?” he asks quietly and wraps his arms around Cas’ waist. He pecks his neck softly.</p><p>“I’m baking an apple pie for you,” he answers. “My apologies, Dean.”</p><p>“Apologies? For what?”</p><p>“For my behavior. I know John is your father. Your family.”</p><p>“Hey, look at me,” says Dean, and Cas turns around. “Family don’t end with blood. You’re my family too. I should go with you. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? It’s dad, he has tough character.”</p><p>Dean is caressing Cas' cheeks. He doesn't like when his angel looks so sad.</p><p>“I… I love you, Dean. Do I commit some sin?” he asks. The Angel of the Lord, <em>a beautiful celestial being</em>, asks a simple man about sins, how absurd is it?</p><p>“No, of course not,” he whispers, kissing Cas on the forehead.</p><p>Love isn't a sin. Homophobia is.</p><p>*</p><p>Castiel stops coming on BBQ, but he is still haunting John. And he's really enjoying it.</p><p>For the first time, he appears by the lake when John is fishing. The older Winchester jumps at his chair and grumbles: “It's you!”</p><p>“Yes,” says Cas. “I just want to inform you that I had sexual intercourse with Dean last night. Of course, it wasn't the first time.”</p><p>“What the hell are you talking about, you friggin fag?!” he yells furious.</p><p>“I said I fucked your son last night,” explains an angel with a big smile.</p><p>Cas flies before John reacts, he can only hear fluttering of the wings.</p><p>*</p><p>The second time he visits only Mary, so John is trying to avoid him. But Cas doesn't give a shit, and he messes with him.</p><p>“What do you want from me, now?” he asks ferociously.</p><p>“I'm a genderless being, you could say I'm non-binary,” says Cas, and John frowns his eyebrows. He doesn't understand what was an angel talking about. “I could have a female vessel, Jack could change this, but you know, <em>John</em>, Dean isn't complaining at all. Actually, he says he likes my sexy feathery ass.”</p><p>John gasps and chocks own saliva, but Cas is gone already.</p><p>*</p><p>The third time, he catches John in the Impala. It's funny that heaven has two versions of this car, one belongs to Dean.</p><p>“Fuck off!” John yells at the start.</p><p>“I'm coming in peace this time. <em>My boyfriend</em>,” he makes a little pause here “He wants to invite you on a burger on Friday night. If you tell him about our <em>nice</em> chats, I kick your ass. Do you understand?” asks Cas.</p><p>“Screw you!”</p><p>“Oh, I will, but not alone if you know what I mean.”</p><p>*</p><p>“Dean, I would like to have sex with you on the couch, right now.”</p><p>It's Friday night. Cas lied to John that Dean had invited him to dinner. It's almost six o'clock, so the older Winchester should to be here soon.</p><p>Dean chuckles and raises his eyebrows: “Oh, really? Since when you're horny like a teenager?”</p><p>“Since now… So? Do you want to make love with me?” Cas asks one more time.</p><p>“Sure!” says Dean, smiling and coming close to him. Then he whispers: “You're gonna scream with pleasure…”</p><p>And Cas really screams with pleasure. He also moans, gasps and makes so many other noises. And Dean does the same. Oh, of course John is staying at the door, and he hears everything.</p><p>*</p><p>John is pissed. Mary doesn't talk to him anymore because he still didn't apologize Castiel. He has enough.</p><p>The phrase 'John Winchester is homophobic as hell' is a bullshit because Queen of Hell is freakin' (<em>and also pretty hot</em>) bisexual witch, so more accurate is 'John Winchester is homophobic like the CW'. Actually, it's a big mess. Why is he so interested in somebody's else sexual life? It is kind of stupid, but it's John Winchester, so nobody is surprised.</p><p>John knows one thing if he wants peace back, he needs to accept Castiel as his almost-son-in-law. So, he takes two beers and goes to their house.</p><p>He knocks twice and waits. Dean opens him door and looks a little surprised.</p><p>“Dad? What are you doing here?” he asks.</p><p>“Hey, Dean!” He clears his throat. “Your angel, <em>Castiel</em>, I wanna talk with him in private.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It's okay, I'll go,” says Cas behind Dean's back. He comes closer to Dean, gives him a kiss on the cheek and goes outside.</p><p>Dean is shocked and probably a little scared, but he closes a door.</p><p>“Can we sit?” asks John, pointing two chairs on the porch, and Cas nods.</p><p>John gives him one bottle. They're sitting for the moment in silence, sipping beers.</p><p>“I don't like you, Castiel,” he says for the beginning. It must be clear.</p><p>“Yeah, I don't like you either.”</p><p>“But Dean is my son, and I love him,” he says. “And I think it's something what we have in common.”</p><p>“Indeed.”</p><p>“I don't think we could be friends, but we could try to <em>tolerate</em> each other,” he suggests.</p><p>“Okay. For Dean,” says Cas.</p><p>“For Dean,” repeats John after him and clinks his bottle about Cas' one. They're drinking the rest without any words.</p><p>“Come on barbecue on next Sunday. I think Mary will find peanut butter and jam for you,” invites him John.</p><p>“Jelly,” Cas corrects him. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>Of course, John Winchester doesn't care of the details. Or maybe he just pretends that he forgot.</p><p>“Nothing.”</p><p>John stands and starts walking to own home. Maybe it wasn't real apology, but he tried. Mary should to forgive him now. </p><p>“Wait,” Cas says at the end, and John turns around to him. “We're in heaven… We have unlimited time here, so… I hope you'll understand one day that love isn't a sin.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I don’t like John Winchester. For me, he is the worst villain in SPN. Why? Because he was only pretending Sam’s and Dean’s father. And they were just kids.<br/>
I know that show wanted to whitewash him, but he’s still such an asshole.<br/>
If you like it, leave a comment!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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